There are an abundance of descriptive words out there, and most of them can be applied to food. Festering gravy. Dolloped cabbage. Smothered raisins. Pungent casserole. You get the idea. Variety is the spice of vocabulary. There are some words, however, that must be banished because they are objectively terrible. Hideous words that make my brain pucker up in a reflexive, sphinctral shudder. Do not use these words.
Yummy: The loathsome bookended “y” makes this word sound like wet mush in your mouth. It also doesn’t mean anything. If I describe a food as “yummy,” you know nothing about it except that I enjoy eating it and am describing it to you as though you are a toddler.
Mouthwatering: You are describing a food as activating an overflow of bodily secretions. You would’t describe a ham sandwich as “micturating,” would you? Or swoon over a diaphoretic butternut squash soup? Continue reading “Words to Banish from Food Writing” →
I am gravely concerned. It has come to my attention that there are a group of people so depraved in their sensibilities that they have cast their votes for an abomination. Their moral turpitude knows no bounds. (Surprise! I’m actually NOT taking about the representatives voting to repeal the ACA). Continue reading “At What Cost?” →
Make this recipe. It’s named because you’ll weep with happiness once you nail down your method for these any-time-of-day Potatoes O’Brien, topped with a fried egg. It’s a pretty good way to start a leisurely weekend, but it’s also a pretty good way to wind down a stupid day at work.
Continue reading “Potatoes O’Cryin’” →
Over the last six months, I’ve encountered several dismal entries into the dessert hummus market. They usually inhabit the organic section of the refrigerator case, and include “Snickerdoodle,” “Brownie Batter,” “Vanilla Bean,” and “Orange Dreamsicle.” Here are some suggested flavors for 2017:
- Pineapple Coconut Barfait: The acidity of the pineapple gives it a pleasant tingle reminiscent of vomit. The coconut is there to remind you that you’re not on vacation and you used up all your personal days earlier in the year.
- Spewmoni: Three layers, each inspired by a ring of Dante’s hell. According to Dante, the third ring of hell involves lying in “vile slush,” which seems like a pretty good descriptor of this flavor.
- Cookie Doughn’t: Low risk of salmonella from raw eggs, high risk of PTSD.
- Triple Fudge Blowing Chunks: A ripple of chocolate, and a ripple of fear down your spine.
- Pecan’t Pie: You’d be nuts to eat this.
- Blackberry Panna Squatta: A delicate custard flecked with seeds. The seeds of your own destruction.
- Yule (regret this) Log: Roll this hummus up in your traditional holiday dessert instead of whipped buttercream. Serve it to your relatives. Guaranteed to revoke your hosting privileges.
- Butt-erscotch Pudding: This is pretty cool! It looks the same coming AND going!
- Unholy Cannoli: A traditional Italian dessert that involves a crispy cookie shell filled with semi-solid ghost farts.
- Caramel Crapple: A fun seasonal flavor to serve on the 31st of never.
A Definitive Ranking of Trader Joe’s Rosemary Raisin Cracker Variations
We here at Handcrapted HQ have been known to partake in a cracker or two. They’re basically a cheese delivery vehicle, so they need to be sturdy enough to stand up to whatever puck of Grocery Outlet Bargain Market goodness I decide to splash my $3.99 on. Or $2.99. Or $.99. (Trust that the cheese acquired for less than a dollar is worthy of its own post.) Anyway! That extra dollar savings can best be put to use on an upgraded Carb Shovel.
Continue reading “Trader Joe’s Crackers, Ranked” →