There are an abundance of descriptive words out there, and most of them can be applied to food. Festering gravy. Dolloped cabbage. Smothered raisins. Pungent casserole. You get the idea. Variety is the spice of vocabulary. There are some words, however, that must be banished because they are objectively terrible. Hideous words that make my brain pucker up in a reflexive, sphinctral shudder. Do not use these words.
Yummy: The loathsome bookended “y” makes this word sound like wet mush in your mouth. It also doesn’t mean anything. If I describe a food as “yummy,” you know nothing about it except that I enjoy eating it and am describing it to you as though you are a toddler.
Like most people, I spend way more time surfing Pinterest for sweet ideas than I spend living a productive life. Pinterest lets you build your dream house without lifting a finger, fill your closet with a Vogue magazine’s worth of the latest trends, and serve a five-course gourmet Thanksgiving dinner in the middle of July. Scrolling through Pinterest is the perfect way to spend an evening when you had too much wine and don’t want to go to bed drunk but you need something a little more stimulating than watching a movie to keep you up. Or, um, you know, a normal evening.
And like most people, my Pinterest is full of things that looked amazing and doable in the heat of a Pinterest scroll-binge but that I will never, ever, ever get around to doing. Here are some of my top offenders:
Spring is springing and Anthropologie is attempting to harvest your paycheck with some new offerings. While my personal style tends more to “hobo” than “boho,” there’s an occasional piece that catches my eye. Lots of these items would be pretty easy to DIY, saving you a trip to the mall-hole. Additionally, you can save a bunch of cash and get your style fix without buying more chiffon landfill fodder. Do it for the earth.
Perusing the offerings, I can’t help but wonder. Maybe I’m projecting, but something about the long, dark winter has unraveled the minimal ties to reality that our friendly Anthro designers usually have. Hold on to your butts, people. It’s gonna get weird.
Look at these jeans. They have Nana’s brooches! You can go to Value Village and find LOTS of Nana brooches for $.99. Then you can put them on any pants your heart desires. You could change them every day, or move the brooches from pant to pant, creating different looks for different occasions. Do not cross your legs or the pin from a brooch will go in your thigh and you will get tetanus. When that happens, you will have to go to the doctor and confess that you can’t remember your last shot because it was four insurance companies and seven primary care providers ago.
This one takes a little more effort. It’s still less than $78 worth of effort, though, so you’ll come out ahead. Find a sweatshirt and cut a u-shape in the neck. Hem it in a haphazard fashion. Cut the hood off, and sew the hood to the inside of the u-shape. Lace with an old shoestring. Choose your own sleeve adventure. Maybe you want to cut off the sleeves all the way, instead of half way. Sun’s out, guns out, amirite?
Does your overhead lighting produce shadows that look like the Wicker Man? If it doesn’t, you’re really missing out. This chandelier looks impossible to clean and impossible to resist DIY-ing. Spiders will love it! If you want to make this, knock yourself out. There are hella tassel tutorials out there. Google it. (I’m not gonna find you a link. This is a crappy blog, remember?)
This is a “sailboat decorative object.” The price seems sort of reasonable compared to the other “decorative objects” in its cohort. This is a technique Anthropologie employs to trick you into buying something extra stupid, by lowering its price relative to its stupid peers. So! Let’s look a little closer. $38 fat benjis gets you a boat apparently assembled with barbecue skewers, a table napkin, and some garden twine. You could make this out of scraps collected after a barbeque, and then you could name your boat the H.M.S. GrillMarque.
You’ve got one of these lurking in your bathroom cabinet, left over from 1998. Admittedly, they make you scalp hurt, but when you really want to turn your look up to 11, there’s just no substitute for a Hair Claw. Counting tiny butterflies, I probably had at least twenty of these at one point. The description of the item includes the phrases “sublime elegance” and “modern touches,” which is…generous. For 1/100th of the price, you can glue some rhinestones on a scalp mangler of your choice. Instead of such a measly sprinkling, you can bedazzle it on every visible surface.
The only question left: Which of these are you going to try first?
BuzzFeed occasionally posts quality listicles of tutorials, recipes, tips & tricks amid their hard-hitting international news coverage and Drake gifs. I like to check out these articles to fill my life with distractions to keep me from questioning the capitalist machine that controls us all get some ideas for my DIY lifestyle.
Chip cards suck. If you can get your chip card to work at Starbucks every single time without fail, then you are a liar or a wizard or both. Worse, like everything else that’s allegedly supposed to boost security, chip cards are not entirely 100% secure. I’m told there is a device that identity thieves use that will scan your credit card info stored on the RFID chip from a few feet away. Not sure how that works. Magic or Star Trek.
Being the average amount of paranoid, I decided I wanted one of those fancy wallets that will protect the RFID info from being stolen via gamma rays or whatever. A quick google search turned up diy instructions on how to make an RFID protecting wallet with duct tape and tinfoil.
Duct tape and tinfoil to prevent shadowy unknowns from stealing my identity? Count me in!
There’s probably some legitimate science to how this works, but I’m not big on “science” unless it’s followed by “fiction double feature” so let’s leave the explanations to the professionals and get to CRAFTING.