The kid eyes the coffee urn. The crust around its edge is a vestige of more profligate times, before the glass carafe shattered. That morning, the hiss of continued drips on the hot plate had punctuated his musings on grammar, an exorcism of squeals amid the spurts of dark, arterial fluid.
His eyes dart left. Another misbegotten has entered.
Did you bring your lunch today?
The question carried a threat, borne on the winds underpinning the fattened rain clouds that drifted in yesterday, and stayed. They were there Monday, too. The coursing rains swelled the sewer pipes and threatened to overspill their bounds.
Naw. I’m going out. Continue reading ““The Office Fridge Smells Bad”: a new short story by Cormac McCarthy”
Over the last six months, I’ve encountered several dismal entries into the dessert hummus market. They usually inhabit the organic section of the refrigerator case, and include “Snickerdoodle,” “Brownie Batter,” “Vanilla Bean,” and “Orange Dreamsicle.” Here are some suggested flavors for 2017:
- Pineapple Coconut Barfait: The acidity of the pineapple gives it a pleasant tingle reminiscent of vomit. The coconut is there to remind you that you’re not on vacation and you used up all your personal days earlier in the year.
- Spewmoni: Three layers, each inspired by a ring of Dante’s hell. According to Dante, the third ring of hell involves lying in “vile slush,” which seems like a pretty good descriptor of this flavor.
- Cookie Doughn’t: Low risk of salmonella from raw eggs, high risk of PTSD.
- Triple Fudge Blowing Chunks: A ripple of chocolate, and a ripple of fear down your spine.
- Pecan’t Pie: You’d be nuts to eat this.
- Blackberry Panna Squatta: A delicate custard flecked with seeds. The seeds of your own destruction.
- Yule (regret this) Log: Roll this hummus up in your traditional holiday dessert instead of whipped buttercream. Serve it to your relatives. Guaranteed to revoke your hosting privileges.
- Butt-erscotch Pudding: This is pretty cool! It looks the same coming AND going!
- Unholy Cannoli: A traditional Italian dessert that involves a crispy cookie shell filled with semi-solid ghost farts.
- Caramel Crapple: A fun seasonal flavor to serve on the 31st of never.