Like most people, I spend way more time surfing Pinterest for sweet ideas than I spend living a productive life. Pinterest lets you build your dream house without lifting a finger, fill your closet with a Vogue magazine’s worth of the latest trends, and serve a five-course gourmet Thanksgiving dinner in the middle of July. Scrolling through Pinterest is the perfect way to spend an evening when you had too much wine and don’t want to go to bed drunk but you need something a little more stimulating than watching a movie to keep you up. Or, um, you know, a normal evening.
And like most people, my Pinterest is full of things that looked amazing and doable in the heat of a Pinterest scroll-binge but that I will never, ever, ever get around to doing. Here are some of my top offenders:
1. Mason Jar Cookies
Do I hate myself? Do I want myself to fail? Am I sabotaging my hopes for happiness? Because these cookies would be a disaster. I actually don’t believe in them. I think they’re photoshopped. These cookies are about as real as the Easter Bunny.
2. Creative Garden Container Ideas
The “household appliances as garden backdrops” thing is pretty cute when it comes to pedestal sinks, but you’ve gotta be picky about your appliance selection. When I was in high school my parents re-did their bathroom and didn’t haul the stuff to the dump right away, so a 1970s peach-colored porcelain toilet sat in our driveway for…I wanna say months. Maybe a year. Until one day one of our neighbors left a potted plant in the toilet bowl. It was great. I have a soft spot for this shit.
3. Fresh Fig & Goat Cheese Tart
This sounds amazing. I think I initially pinned it because I thought it was pizza. (Those things look like pepperoni.) I’ll never get around to making it though, because I don’t know what figs look like IRL. Are they like kiwis, or more like plums? Do they come pre-sliced like pepperoni? Don’t send me to the grocery store to get any fruits that you wouldn’t find in a children’s book, is what I’m saying.
4. DIY Macrame Plant Hanger Patterns
I’m not here for the macrame potted plants – I saved this pin for the stunning painted wooden cutting board behind the sink. It’s giving me major Scandinavian/mid-century-modern vibes, my favorite vibes. I bet it would be an easy DIY. An easy DIY which I will never, ever do.
5. Oxfords DIY
This shoe tutorial (shoetorial?) is one of those pins that looks great in the tutorial pictures but when you attempt it on a pair of Keds at home you ruin a) a pair of Keds and b) an afternoon you could’ve spent pinning more unrealistic pins to your pinterest boards.
6. Modern Cross Stitch Los Angeles (via Satsuma Street)
A box of unfinished cross stitch projects languishes under the tv cabinet at my house, tucked out of sight so it doesn’t make me feel guilty, neglected because cross stitching is a low-reward activity. It takes AGES to see the results. Unless your pattern is one single X. Then you’re done pretty fast. This shit, though? Ain’t nobody got time for that.
7. Ain’t Nobody Got Thyme For That
See above.
9. Cross Stitch Square Tile Patterns
To get my cross stitch kicks in with more satisfying results, I pinned this with the caption “do as giant cross stitch with yarn on fabric to make throw pillows” which I still think is a cool idea but oh my god I am not wasting my precious free time doing that.
10. Embellished Flowered Cardigan Tutorial
This sweater is not gonna happen for me. I’d say it’s not gonna happen in a million years, but that seems like a conservative estimate. How old is the universe? 1 billion years? This sweater is not gonna happen in 600 billion giga-years.
11. Blackberry Gin Jello Shots
Whoa hold on, when did I pin blackberry gin jello shots? These look fucking incredible. And easy. Looks like I might be making these tonight!
(Follow Handcrapted on Pinterest for more unattainable pins, generally from when we’ve had too much wine.)
Handcrapted 