Food · Handcrapted

Ultimate Freezer Pizza Hacks

You clicked on this because the word “hack” was in the title, thinking that I’d be giving you some clever tips and ingredient add-ons to freshen up the most estimable quiescently frozen confection: pizza.

Joke’s on you though, because the only “hack” here is the author.

This list is actually far more important than some poorly advised toppings.  It’s a guide to achieving transcendent happiness for about $4.99.  Regardless of your feelings about Malcolm Gladwell, I’ve definitely gotten my 10,000 freezer pizzas, which makes me uniquely qualified to dispense some practical tips.  In other words: trust me, I’m a professional.

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Burrata, prosciutto & arugula. I might buy this if it had an Oxford comma.
  1.  Acquire your pizza of choice.  You, and only you, know what’s right.  I had a tremendous vision last week of putting two Totino’s pizzas face to face in a waffle iron like a quesadilla.  Or a hot pocket!  Can you waffle iron a hot pocket?  Note to self- that’ll be a future post.  You’ve gotten a pizza by now, right?
  2. Check your surroundings.  The best freezer pizza scenario is one where you can enjoy the company of yourself.  And maybe a cat.  If  you have a partner or a child, this is a great time to send them off to summer camp or Canlis or something.
  3.  Cast off the waistband.  If you’re going to wreck a freezer pizza, don’t let the tyrannical waistband cramp your abdomen, or your style.  A sweatpant would be right on target, but if you prefer the comforting grip of a legging, that’s fine, too.   Jeans are banished.  Unless they’re sweatpant jeans, in which case…YOU are banished.
  4.  Assess your freezer pizza with a careful eye and determine which hot sauce will best accentuate its delicate flavors.  A thin crust barbecue chicken pizza obviously calls for Frank’s, but a rising crust pepperoni pizza needs sriracha to cut through the doughy noise. A flurry of red pepper flakes is also acceptable, if a little lacking in creativity.
  5.  Rummage in the back of your refrigerator for the parmesan with the green lid- the one filled with stuff that looks like skin filings from using a PedEgg.  Throw it in the garbage.
  6. Set your table with care.  Hot sauce sits to the LEFT of your folded paper towel napkin.  Use a coaster.  You’re worth it.
  7.  Bake your pizza.  The timing on the box isn’t always right, so use your senses to know when the freezer pizza is perfectly oven-ripened.  A fragrant waft should be your first clue.  A gentle slick of grease is your second.  When you touch it, the cheese should adhere to your bare skin and cause a blister to form within 3-5 seconds of contact.
  8. Clear your mind, inhale and exhale through your nose 10 times, and…ah whatever, eat your damn pizza.