You clicked on this because the word “hack” was in the title, thinking that I’d be giving you some clever tips and ingredient add-ons to freshen up the most estimable quiescently frozen confection: pizza.
Joke’s on you though, because the only “hack” here is the author.
This list is actually far more important than some poorly advised toppings. It’s a guide to achieving transcendent happiness for about $4.99. Regardless of your feelings about Malcolm Gladwell, I’ve definitely gotten my 10,000 freezer pizzas, which makes me uniquely qualified to dispense some practical tips. In other words: trust me, I’m a professional.
- Acquire your pizza of choice. You, and only you, know what’s right. I had a tremendous vision last week of putting two Totino’s pizzas face to face in a waffle iron like a quesadilla. Or a hot pocket! Can you waffle iron a hot pocket? Note to self- that’ll be a future post. You’ve gotten a pizza by now, right?
- Check your surroundings. The best freezer pizza scenario is one where you can enjoy the company of yourself. And maybe a cat. If you have a partner or a child, this is a great time to send them off to summer camp or Canlis or something.
- Cast off the waistband. If you’re going to wreck a freezer pizza, don’t let the tyrannical waistband cramp your abdomen, or your style. A sweatpant would be right on target, but if you prefer the comforting grip of a legging, that’s fine, too. Jeans are banished. Unless they’re sweatpant jeans, in which case…YOU are banished.
- Assess your freezer pizza with a careful eye and determine which hot sauce will best accentuate its delicate flavors. A thin crust barbecue chicken pizza obviously calls for Frank’s, but a rising crust pepperoni pizza needs sriracha to cut through the doughy noise. A flurry of red pepper flakes is also acceptable, if a little lacking in creativity.
- Rummage in the back of your refrigerator for the parmesan with the green lid- the one filled with stuff that looks like skin filings from using a PedEgg. Throw it in the garbage.
- Set your table with care. Hot sauce sits to the LEFT of your folded paper towel napkin. Use a coaster. You’re worth it.
- Bake your pizza. The timing on the box isn’t always right, so use your senses to know when the freezer pizza is perfectly oven-ripened. A fragrant waft should be your first clue. A gentle slick of grease is your second. When you touch it, the cheese should adhere to your bare skin and cause a blister to form within 3-5 seconds of contact.
- Clear your mind, inhale and exhale through your nose 10 times, and…ah whatever, eat your damn pizza.