BuzzFeed occasionally posts quality listicles of tutorials, recipes, tips & tricks amid their hard-hitting international news coverage and Drake gifs. I like to check out these articles to
fill my life with distractions to keep me from questioning the capitalist machine that controls us all get some ideas for my DIY lifestyle.
Today, BuzzFeed hit a new low in “journalism”:
image from BuzzFeed Video. (Astonishingly, they made a video for this dumb article.)
“3 Ways To Repurpose Old Shirts.” This is, without a doubt, the laziest article I’ve read on Buzzfeed. Well actually it’s not the laziest – I used hyperbole to emphasize my point, a super lazy writing technique often employed by the super lazy writers at Buzzfeed.
Seriously, Buzzfeed, 3 ways to repurpose old shirts? 3 ways? 3?! This article has 3 writers, did each writer only come up with 1 way to repurpose an old shirt? Did nobody try Google? Ask Siri? Y’all can track down “27 Cats Who Look Like Tacos” but can’t think of a 4th use for old shirts? I can think of a dozen ways to repurpose old shirts in my sleep. I eat ways to repurpose old shirts for breakfast.
I pulled some ideas out of my ass and made a list of way more than 3 brilliant, original, useful ways to repurpose old shirts. (This list doubles as my application for a writing job at Buzzfeed, and triples as my proof that I’m overqualified for the position.)
- BABY BUNTING
Lay a shirt down on a bed. Lay a baby down on top of the shirt. Wrap the shirt around the baby like you would wrap a burrito. Be careful not to drop the baby.
- SPIDER TRAP
Leave an old shirt on your bathroom floor. Wait for spiders to crawl inside (because they always crawl inside clothes on the bathroom floor.) Once spiders are inside your shirt, set it on fire.
- FANCY DINNER NAPKINS
Set your dinner table with a variety of old shirts in place of napkins. When your guests express confusion, tell them shirt-napkins are the next big thing according to Oprah.
- REUSABLE TOILET PAPER
- HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
Stuff an old shirt with a bunch of newspaper and stick a mannequin head on top, perhaps wearing a baseball cap. Prop it up on a chair looking out your front window.
- JOEY TRIBBIANI IMPRESSION
Wear all of your old shirts at once. Walk around and annoy people with your impression of Joey’s impression of Chandler: “Could I BE wearing any more clothes?!”
- ESCAPE LADDER
Tie several old long sleeved shirts together, sleeve to sleeve, until you have a shirt-rope about 20 feet long. Use it to escape from the window of the tower room your evil stepmother/witch guardian has you locked up in. (Adjust shirt-rope length to tower height.)
If you find my list unsatisfactory, I found a list of 50 Ways to Repurpose an Old T-Shirt over at Brit+Co. I typically shun Brit+Co for being too mom-oriented (and for that pretentious plus sign) but their list has some moderately cool ideas. Or maybe my expectations on shirt repurposing were so totally destroyed by BuzzFeed’s suggestions that I’ll take anything else as an improvement, even a Chunky Knotted Neckpiece (gag).