Over the last six months, I’ve encountered several dismal entries into the dessert hummus market. They usually inhabit the organic section of the refrigerator case, and include “Snickerdoodle,” “Brownie Batter,” “Vanilla Bean,” and “Orange Dreamsicle.” Here are some suggested flavors for 2017:
- Pineapple Coconut Barfait: The acidity of the pineapple gives it a pleasant tingle reminiscent of vomit. The coconut is there to remind you that you’re not on vacation and you used up all your personal days earlier in the year.
- Spewmoni: Three layers, each inspired by a ring of Dante’s hell. According to Dante, the third ring of hell involves lying in “vile slush,” which seems like a pretty good descriptor of this flavor.
- Cookie Doughn’t: Low risk of salmonella from raw eggs, high risk of PTSD.
- Triple Fudge Blowing Chunks: A ripple of chocolate, and a ripple of fear down your spine.
- Pecan’t Pie: You’d be nuts to eat this.
- Blackberry Panna Squatta: A delicate custard flecked with seeds. The seeds of your own destruction.
- Yule (regret this) Log: Roll this hummus up in your traditional holiday dessert instead of whipped buttercream. Serve it to your relatives. Guaranteed to revoke your hosting privileges.
- Butt-erscotch Pudding: This is pretty cool! It looks the same coming AND going!
- Unholy Cannoli: A traditional Italian dessert that involves a crispy cookie shell filled with semi-solid ghost farts.
- Caramel Crapple: A fun seasonal flavor to serve on the 31st of never.
Handcrapted 